Do we really love?

This, my friends, is more of a question that I have been asking myself than an accusation or a sermon. I am just sorting out the ponderings that tag along with the initial question.  Do I really love? 

I catch myself wondering this often, lately.  In my lifestyle, I think it is much easier to be selfish without as many obvious tell-tale signs.  I have no spouse, or children to demand selflessness of me, and thus, when I choose not to be selfless, it is not nearly as obvious. Case and point: I have never picked up my kids from school, and CPS has yet to be called on me for such negligence, and I get no dirty looks from other parents, either. 

Maybe that is just how it appears from my own perspective. Maybe people see directly through my supposedly camouflaged “me” time and “me” choices.  I have been working on reading through the Bible for the past six months or so. It is slow at times, and some times hard to digest. I think, though, that this is what keeps bringing me back to the question: do we really love?   

We definitely have knee jerk reactions.  For example: ask me if I love Jesus, and no matter how I am behaving or feeling at the time, you will get an immediate yes from me.  Now, it is true, I do love Jesus, even and especially in the darkest hours of my life. What bothers me about my response is not that I say “yes” every time, but that I do not always behave “yes” during all those other times, those other times when nobody is asking.  Ask me to provide a verse about love, and you will normally hear, “Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor as yourself.” fall out of my mouth before I realize that I still can’t remember the verse numbers.  

 These are not necessarily bad habits, except that I catch myself slipping into only words and training. I suspect that most people do.  Often I show people love because it is a knee jerk reaction, or I feel good when I do, or because I know I should, or because I know someone is watching. Often I don’t show love because it would be uncomfortable, nobody would know that I didn't, I don’t know how, or I just failed notice the opportunity. 

I hold the door for strangers, and often cut off the same strangers on the road, safely tucked inside the anonymity and oblivion of my car.  I see someone who needs a friend, and my fears of clumsiness and rejection can overpower the initial impulse of love.  I want to be an international missionary. I have often been alerted to the fact that I should be a missionary wherever I am, that we all technically are.  We are supposed to be missionaries “here”…and after that is said, it is rare that anyone, including myself, actually takes action for those here-people.  Do we really love? 

I don’t write this to cause guilt. I certainly do not write this because I am so sufficient in this subject. I think of all the subjects of my life, I fail the most in real love.  Honestly, it is just a reflection that seems to have taken a liking to me lately.   Kicking it away has clearly failed, and so I challenge myself instead to try.  Try to be more aware of love, of that fact that love is not always, nor is it usually, a warm, fuzzy feeling. It does not always get rewarded with gratitude. It should not depend on gratitude, because love should never be for sale.  

I write this because I want to love. I want to really love; not just use the cute word that looks so pretty on greeting cards and rhymes so cheesily well with “above” and “dove". I want to truly and immensely love, to really love, for the sake of love: The love that loves when irritated, uncomfortable, injured, spurned, lost, and even abused. With that summary, immense love becomes immensely intimidating, and I remember why I often fail. While I fail, I have already been given this sort of immense love.  I really like being on the receiving end of it, actually.  How is it that a simple 4 letter word stumps me so easily when I try to think of it beyond noun properties? I don’t know, but I think I'll keep trying.

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:30-31 

Thanks for letting me ponder.